According to a Pew Research Center analysis from the 2017 US Census Bureau data, about 24 million American children were living with an unmarried parent. That averages to about 1 out of every 3 children. While it may be obvious that over 80% of those households were led by moms, that was not the reality that I grew up with.

M​y primary and sole care provider has always been my father, a single man raising a daughter the best that he knew how. I have to admit that growing up I never saw this as odd and to this day I am grateful for that experience, but having a single dad caused a lot of confusion for those who are so accustomed to hearing single parent household and expecting a mother to be the one coming in for the parent-teacher conference.

Throughout my entire life I have never known a dynamic like the one that I have with my father to exist with the other families I had been exposed to. Of course, I have friends with single parent households, but none quite like mine. For that reason, my outlook was different when it came to instances like navigating boys, friendships and how to maneuver as a budding woman. We were learning together, teaching one another. My father was never afraid to say “I have no idea” when I brought him questions about getting highlights in my hair or bangs, going to prom with a red dress or a blue one, and all the other small details a girl would turn to her mother for guidance for.

The number of single-father households has increased from less than 300,000 in 1960, to over 2.6 million in 2011 but compared to that whopping 81% of single mothers, it can be easy to count the single father demographic out.

While absentee fathers is not an isolated issue, in the black community the absence of the father has become somewhat of a punch line or a go to assumption. Fatherless homes are a common phenomenon, but for us it’s expected. The narrative that black men are “dead beats” has been well-earned for some but certainly not for all. I watched my father dismantle that notion every day while he chose to be not only a provider but present in each moment. My father took the time to learn how to school me about a menstrual cycle, what comes with puberty and the courage to tell me when he was unsure opposed to pretending he held the key to all knowledge as it pertained to being a female.

I​t was clear on many occasions that I did not have a “normal” household and at times I would feel less than because I didn’t have what so many around me possessed. To have both parents in your home, two minds opposed to one and someone who could genuinely understand what you were going through without explanation. I thought of my dad as superhuman because this life that we had seemed original and rare, and he made it look so easy!

A​s a parent myself, a single one, I feel that to be even more true. My father showed true bravery, staying where he was needed and handling a responsibility that so many have walked away from in the past. Working full-time and still having the energy to let me beat him in checkers and connect four time and time again. Sitting up with me to practice my times tables and making dinner to the music that so often feels like the soundtrack of my life. He gave me a life full of love and honesty and I can never thank him enough.

A father’s presence in a home is monumental and plays such a pivotal role in a child’s development. A research study done by Sara McLanahan, Laura Tach, and Daniel Schneider speaks to the negative effects that the absence of a father figure plays on a child’s well-being.

“Involved fathers help create well-adjusted youth” says Kenneth Braswell. W​hen it comes to education, children without a father in the home show a pattern of lower test scores and are less probable to earn a high school diploma. Without a high school diploma the unemployment rate amongst this demographic is more than likely and a statistic that is quite hard to evade. The cycle that forms from the instability in the home and the absence of a father figure is clear and the data in insurmountable. Lacking that relationship and presence of your father can do irrevocable damage.

I could never pretend to know what it’s like to be a black man raising a black daughter. I have no clue about the weight, the pressure, that comes with ensuring she does not become a statistic while you yourself are working on not becoming one yourself. My father is an honorable man. He takes care of his family, and he made sure I was aware that there was nothing in this world that I could not be. To this day, as I mentioned I am a parent now myself, he still shows me the untapped potential that I have.

Without my father I’m not sure where I would be or the kind of person that I may have become. Some people who will never receive the tender love from a father who truly cares about who they grow into and how they present themselves to the world. Despite the overwhelming evidence of their importance, as a society in general, in the black community in particular, we diminish the role of a father figure.

Too often, we push our young women and girls to nurture and leave our boys and men behind. We tell our girls it’s okay to cry, we water the idea of them being caregivers. When the roles are reversed men are shamed for vulnerability and praised when they are hardened. If we have learned anything from our past it’s that history repeats itself until we break the cycle! Showing our boys that it’s okay to be vulnerable, it’s okay to be afraid but it’s also important to be accountable.

B​lack women must be strong, we must tolerate that skill of nurturer turning into a burden. The double standards given between our boys and girls later create a divide that influences that narrative black men are working so hard to walk back. It’s not easy to show up and be present for a situation you were never prepared for. Yet and still, my father is amongst millions of black men who do it every day.

Being a parent is a choice. To be chosen feels sublime. I thank my father for choosing to be there for me and showing me how to show up for my own daughter. The single father is a forgotten demographic, but they are such an important statistic as they represent what getting it right looks like.